The biggest dick in London
by papage329
Summary: Lestrade tells John that Sherlock is rumored to have the biggest dick in London and John is curious ONE SHOT (no smut guarantee)


**Most of the characters in the story are a bit OOC- sorry**

**WARNING: Lestrade and John's "girl talks", ugly apron's, mentions of porn, Sherlock being a dick, pouty faces and terrible writing.**

* * *

"Really Greg, I don't know why you put up with him." John said to his friend over coffee one morning.

"Well, to be honest, Sherlock is the only man for the job." Lestrade sighed.

"He's such an asshole though. He's the biggest dick in London!"

Lestrade chuckled at that, leaning across the table to whisper, "I've heard, he has the biggest dick in London as well."

"GREG!" John giggled, looking like a gossipy 12-year old. "How do you know that anyway!"

"Well it's just a rumor going around, I don't know for a fact."

John's phone buzzed and he saw a text from Sherlock: "I know where you are, can you pick me up a coffee?"

John chuckled, picking up his jacket and the extra coffee he had already ordered to go for his friend.

"I have to go now Greg, Sherlock's getting impatient."

"Ok, lets meet here again tomorrow, same time."

John nodded and left the cafe.

* * *

"Here's your coffee." John said, placing it on the table next to the couch.

"Why must you always hang out with that annoying man." Sherlock whined.

"Well it's more enjoyable that watching you talk to yourself for an hour!"

Sherlock pouted and John opened his laptop, which had been sitting on the table when he came in.

"Sherlock? Did you use my laptop?" John asked.

Sherlock quickly stood up and started walking over. "Yeah. I wouldn't use it right now, I'm..." He fell silent after seeing John start to blush.

"SHERLOCKKKKK! I TOLD YOU TO STOP WATCHING PORN ON MY LAPTOP!:" John shouted.

"Oh yeah sorry, I forgot." Sherlock apologized, not seeming to be embarrassed. He quickly snatched the laptop away and shut it.

* * *

"John, you really should stop wearing that hideous apron while you cook." Sherlock noted as John untied his pink frilly apron.

"I don't want to get my clothes dirty! It was very nice of Miss Hudson, to give me this for Christmas, and I intend to use it!"

Sherlock sighed knowing it was a hopeless battle.

"Do you like the pasta?" John asked.

Sherlock snapped out of his reverie. "Oh yes. It's wonderful. Thank you."

"I heard something funny today." John said, suppressing a chuckle. "I heard you have the biggest dick in London!"

Sherlock's face remained calm, "Oh you heard that rumor?"

John fell out of his chair laughing, and proceeded to roll on the ground. Sherlock stormed to his room leaving his illogical friend behind.

* * *

"I can't believe you actually asked Sherlock about his dick size!" Lestrade scoffed the next day.

"Yeah he was super pissed though, so I'm afraid to ask him if it's true."

"Pleaseee," Lestrade whined, "I'm pretty curious now."

"OK fine." John finally caved in, "I'll ask him tonight and tell you what happens tomorrow."

"I can imagine his reaction last night." Lestrade said, a smile dancing on his lips, "He probably made that adorable pouty face."

John nodded.

"If I lived with him I don't know if I'd be able to resist him."

"Well if you saw what he does on my laptop you might." John huffed.

"Oh come on John, you know you want him. Don't deny it." Lestrade teased.

"Yeah, but its so hopless for anyone to try to get in a relationship with him. He's so oblivious."

"Shhh" Greg cut him off. "Let us have our dreams."

* * *

"Soooooo... you never did tell me if it was true yesterday..." John tried to casually bring up after lunch.

"If whats true?" Sherlock said, distracted.

"Well you know..." John started, wishing he never started the conversation.

"Say it." Sherlock said through gritted teeth.

"Say what?" John said, trying to play innocent.

Sherlock, that ever unpredictable man, turned around and slammed John into the wall he was leaning against, using one had to hold John's shoulder down.

"Say it." Sherlock said. His face inches away from John's.

John took a deep breath, Sherlock was obviously still pretty pissed about this.

"Ok... is it true you have the biggest dick in London?" John closed his eyes, waiting to be slapped.

After a few seconds he opened his eyes to find Sherlock grinning at him.

"Do you want to find out?" Sherlock whispered.

"Yes."

* * *

"So is it true?" Lestrade said the next day.

"Oh yes it's true." John grinned.


End file.
